Emotional Roller Coaster

Oh no, seems to me that I have this sense of fear and insecurity growing inside me again.  This fear that history will repeat itself again when I give birth to Lambie, fear that hubby cannot give me the assurance and support needed, fear that I will sink into depression again, fear that our marriage will turn rocky again, fear that we will quarrel over his parents again, fear that my health will go downhill again, fear that I can't cope with two kids, fear that dear will think i'm neglecting him again.

Since dear decided to make the career switch, I have been trying to be as understanding and supportive as possible, lending him my listening ear every single day, preparing breakfast for him and making herbal tea if he's heaty. It has been very tough for him as he faced difficulty on engaging clients, dealing with the more emotional aspects of people as he has always been a more logical and non chalent person. But I could see that he's trying his best to learn and strive to do better every time.  It hurts to see him so stressed and losing weight over it. As far as possible, I hope to lighten his load by planning most of the stuff for our baby, and also in terms of coordination for house renovation. At one end, I'm looking forward to moving to our new house and welcoming the new baby, but I can't help feeling scared too.

Deep in my heart,  I'm actually hoping that with dear's change in career, he will become more sensitive to other people's needs and feelings. I remember last time when we had an argument after  Le Xuan was born, he said that I should tell him explicitly what I feel and what he can do to help, and that he would not know if i didn't do so. It hurt me a lot as I thought that as my husband and not a stranger, being more sensitive to my needs and taking initiative to do certain things are all acts of love for me and our child, and something that should come from his heart instead of being told to do so.

Questions started popping in my mind: Will dear say he's not being a good son if I say his parents need not come over to our house every single day during confinement as I really need some private space and rest? Will he think he's not a good son again if I say that they can come over to our house for dinner instead of us going out and looking for yummy eateries elsewhere, as I need to wash up the baby at 8pm and breastfeed every other hour? I know dear loves me a lot, and I love him dearly too. But sometimes I really can't help feeling like a second class citizen in front of his family. Oh well, perhaps my pregnancy hormones are working up again, time to move on and be more positive and cool!